Snape's Lament
by saiken2009
Summary: During book seven, we only get a small peek into what Snape went through to help Harry and his friends. This one-shot offers my view of what we didn't get to see.


**Snape's Lament**

 _Author's Note: Special thanks to the SuperCarlinBrothers for hosting a discord where this idea was born. Also, special thanks to help with research and proofing goes to tPixelGuy and Que the Sparkle._

Severus Snape entered the headmaster's office of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry with a heavy heart. The room was large and round. Dozens of portraits of old headmasters were pinned to the walls around him, but it was the one in the center that garnered the most attention from the duplicitous man. The portrait of the previous headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, sat in a chair and snored; the man he had grown to admire so much and the man whom he had killed. It was dark and late in Hogwarts, so the headmasters in all the portraits were either asleep or gone. He did not want to wake any of them, which was a stupid notion considering they weren't real people. He did, however, take advantage of his time alone.

He strode over to the cabinet that held the pensieve Dumbledore had kept in his office and opened the doors. With a slight wave of his wand, he conjured the memory he intended to see and dove in. The world around him dissolved and he was almost immediately hiding behind a man in a large cloak. The man was hiding in the shadows outside a church and waiting. He did not want to be seen by anyone, friend or foe. Snape knew exactly who the man was, himself. The pensieve allowed one to relive memories almost perfectly. Snape was watching himself watch the church until the doors opened and a few people began pouring out. Snape ignored most of the faces and zeroed in on one. The face belonged to a beautiful young woman with red hair and green eyes. She was arm in arm with a man with dark, messy hair and glasses. Both wore large smiles on their faces as they twirled in the sunlight which beamed down on them. Snape's heart skipped a beat as he watched; focusing only on the face and smile of the woman he loved more than anything in the world.

Initially this memory was bittersweet for him. He loved Lily Evans and wanted to see her happy more than anything else; however, her happiness came at a price. She hated Snape and loved instead James Potter, the man who'd made his teenage years a living nightmare. Now…now things had changed. Nearly every person in this memory was dead, including Lily and James. This was their wedding day, a small affair with only their closest friends and family in attendance, but still a joyous occasion. This truly was the day Lily had been her happiest. The day she had been her most beautiful. And now that she was gone, Snape wanted to push away the feelings of anger and focus instead on the love. This was the woman he'd sacrificed everything for. This was the woman he'd spent years in misery at Hogwarts for. It was for her he did everything. He had loved her, and he had gotten her killed. He had to make it up to her; to fix things. The only way he could: protect her son. This was why he'd killed his mentor, Albus Dumbledore. He'd been given no choice. His mentor had begged him to do so…to prevent the death of Lily's son, Harry Potter.

After several moments of just focusing on Lily's face, Snape closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and left the pensieve. He strode over to the desk, sat down and buried his face in his hands. His long, greasy hair hung over his face like a thick curtain, hiding the pain and heartache etched there. It was only when he heard a voice that he was startled enough to pull himself together.

"Severus?" the voice asked calmly, but kindly.

"Dumbledore," Snape replied, his voice unexpectedly a little scratchy, turning to face the large portrait behind him.

"Reliving old memories?" Dumbledore asked calmly.

"I had to see her face again," Snape answered. "To remind myself of why I'm doing this."

"It worked then?"

"Barely. Potter almost drowned, but Weasley was there to save him."

"Of course. Ron Weasley. A true friend and a brave soul."

"He saw me."

"I thought I asked you to be more discreet."

"He saw me, but not my face. He had no idea who I was. Everything is still fine, Dumbledore."

"Very good, then."

"I do not know how much longer I can keep going, Dumbledore."

"You must. For her."

"I know, I must, for her," Snape was exasperated now. "Over 18 years of this game. Pretending to be something I'm not. Pretending not to care whether Harry Potter lives or dies. Pretending I find you repugnant."

"I think, in a way, you do," Dumbledore said calmly. "I couldn't save her, after all."

"You did what you could. And…after her, you were the only person to show me compassion…respect." Snape's words were true. He was growing tired of the charade. He had, years ago, pledged his loyalty to Dumbledore to keep Lily safe after learning of his old master's plan to slaughter her son. His life had always been cruel, even as a small child. It wasn't until that day he met Lily at Spinner's End that he saw his first true ray of hope and kindness. Up until then, he'd thought love was filled with anger and yelling. It was then that he realized: love was about happiness. He would try desperately to win Lily's heart, but he would fail at every turn. Her heart belonged, in the end, to James Potter. All he could do was love her from afar. And that meant wishing what was best for her. When Snape learned of a prophecy involving a child who would defeat his old master, the Dark Lord Voldemort, Snape did the obedient thing and informed the Dark Lord about all he knew. What he could not know; however, was that the Dark Lord would interpret the prophecy to be about his love, and the child she would come to bear, Harry Potter. He did not know, until it was too late, this action would take his beloved's life.

When she was taken from him, he was heartbroken. He wanted to die with her. Albus Dumbledore gave him a reason to keep living: finish what she started, and died for. She had died to save her son. And so, he would, too. He knew he would. Deep in his heart, he knew he would die in order to save Harry Potter. He did not know when or how, but he knew it to be true. He had known this from the moment the Dark Lord had set another man to kill the then 11 year old boy and Snape had to save him. But he did not know if Dumbledore knew it. And as time grew on, this taxed him. For he knew, in death, as in life, he would never be with Lily.

"Have you grown to distrust me?" Dumbledore asked, the familiar coy glint in his eye.

"Of course not," Snape answered. He knew Dumbledore didn't doubt his trust, but Snape needed to say it anyway. "But when will this end?"

"Soon, Severus," Dumbledore promised. "The last pieces have fallen into place. Soon, this will be over."

"Thank you, sir," Snape said as he stood up. It was truly late now and he was tired. "Please sleep well." He felt silly telling a painting to sleep well, but he felt such guilt over Dumbledore's death, he didn't know what else to say.

"Severus," Dumbledore said as Snape opened the door and began to walk through it.

"Yes?" Snape asked stopping short, but not turning around.

"She will forgive you, Severus."

"Thank you," Snape answered, unable to push back the tears falling down his cheek as he shut the door and left his mentor behind.


End file.
